Supporting customers for any industry is hard. We’ve all been there in one way or another. Customer support definitely has its ups and downs.
No matter what kind of business you’re in, more and more people are headed online, especially now that the Pandemic is creepily turning everyone into the reclusive dude who lived down the street when you were a kid that you always thought was probably a serial killer.
Since most of the world is stuck inside (for the time being anyway), most companies have to transition to supporting their customers from afar- no matter what business it is. That can be really hard for a lot of people! Even tech-related companies (who should have this down by now) struggle quite often.
Knowing how much people both love and hate technology, you should take some precautions. These 5 tips guarantee your customers will return to your support queue every time.
1. Make the Road to Customer Support an Adventure
People love adventures! Set your website up so that accessing customer support requires multiple steps and feels a little bit like a maze.
Include entry through two different gateways that require them to fill out forms with repetitive answers. It’s best if these forms have bugs, too, so that when someone submits it, it won’t go through every time.
Then, when they’re getting close to reaching the support queue, block their way with a word game. Make them peruse your documentation until they find the magical entryway into your support contact page.
Some people really love the “Never-ending” setup as well. These types of systems lead the customer in circles so that they never actually end up with an option to talk to someone at all but wander through docs until they give up.
In the end, speaking to a representative should always be a mystery. Will they talk to a human? A bot? No one at all? The mystery adds to the intrigue.
2. Surprise People or Don’t Bug the Customers Who Don’t Like Getting Calls
Now that SPAM filters exists on phones, people who really don’t like getting phone calls won’t be bugged and those who do like them get pleasant surprises.
Even if customers say they want you to call them, they would love it if you could disguise your phone number and spoof a random one so that:
- They won’t get the call at all if they don’t like phone calls.
- It will call a random person if they decide to return your call, so they can make a new friend!
- It makes their day a little better with a surprise phone call from an unknown source that they will probably ignore because they don’t recognize. But, hey, at least they know someone is thinking of them!
So basically, if you choose to provide support over the phone and you plan to call customers, make sure your call center technology gets flagged as medium or high-risk SPAM every time. This is easy to achieve if you use spoofing and mass communication blasts.
3. Spend as Much Time as You Can with the Customer Using Scripts
When you do talk to a customer one-on-one over the phone (through chat, or email), they really don’t have anything better to do right now. If they do, they’d definitely rather be spending time talking to you.
Waste their time for them by apologizing profusely for their inconvenience and giving them excuses as to why something did not work properly. Create scripts designed to go through this same circular pattern for every response your support reps provide.
These circular tactics let people complain over and over and over again so they get it out of their system. Then they’ll just forget you never actually solved the problem!
It’s a win-win for everyone, and leads to the next tip.
4. Never Solve All the Customer’s Problems
Speaking of solving problems, definitely do not solve your customers’ problems because then they won’t follow up with you and talk to you again. And, let’s face it… who wouldn’t want to spend all day on the phone with you?
5. Help Customers Get Outside!
Last, but not least, help your customer through these uncertain times by giving them an excuse to get outdoors. It’s just a pandemic!
Maybe they need to return equipment! Or maybe an office visit would be nice. Or, whatever other air-headed requirement you can think of to help your customer interact with more people and get out of isolation at a time when the air near other humans is the most toxic it’s ever been.
Help them live history as it happens and reach immortality by becoming a historical statistic!
6. Improve Your Critical Thinking
Bonus tip! If you haven’t yet figured out that this entire article is satirical (sarcastic) then you should probably also brush up on your critical thinking, active listening, and reading comprehension skills so you can find real advice on making your customers happy.
I have the highest of respect for companies who don’t “cut corners” in customer support, especially tech support. I even used to have a call center as a client back in my true freelancing days.
My experience comes from both a customer and the person responsible for the customer experience. This piece was inspired by multiple tweet threads with these exact complaints followed by my amazing customer experience with an HR platform.